One week and one day ago I was released from the mental hospital.
Before I went, I thought of the hospital like a punishment. Sort of like, "you don't have good enough control over your mental health, so we're going to throw you in a straight jacket and lock you up permanently."
Girl, Interrupted was the extent of my mental hospital knowledge.
It really wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I was admitted to a partial hospitalization program (PHP), which meant that I'd do intensive therapy for the course of a work day, but then be able to go home and sleep in my own bed.
For the sake of this blog, we'll call my institution "Golden Fields."
It's a relatively long story as to how I ended up at Golden, so I'll make it brief.
Before I went, I thought of the hospital like a punishment. Sort of like, "you don't have good enough control over your mental health, so we're going to throw you in a straight jacket and lock you up permanently."
Girl, Interrupted was the extent of my mental hospital knowledge.
It really wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I was admitted to a partial hospitalization program (PHP), which meant that I'd do intensive therapy for the course of a work day, but then be able to go home and sleep in my own bed.
For the sake of this blog, we'll call my institution "Golden Fields."
It's a relatively long story as to how I ended up at Golden, so I'll make it brief.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Of all the reasons I was at Golden, this was the most obvious. Last spring, I was attacked by a very-drunk old friend (like, 14-drinks-in-drunk). I was walking him to his car trying to convince him to grab an Uber when he grabbed me, threw me into his back seat, and proceeded to both sodomize and vaginally rape me.
I reported the attack to the police; unfortunately, that entire process has been traumatizing as well. I wrote a long Reddit post about reporting itself (I was going by the pseudonym "Annie" at the time), but tl;dr: police need better training, getting a rape kit isn't as scary as it sounds, and I'm glad I reported. Then again, it's been seven months and I'm still waiting for the county to process my DNA.
After I was attacked, I immediately sought therapy. My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist, who quickly dosed me up with Zoloft, Xanax, Minipress, Doxepin, and Buspirone (which help with PTSD and depression, panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, and generalized anxiety, respectively). I am still taking all of these medications.
Even with doping up on all these drugs, PTSD is still a constant struggle. I get flashbacks when I shower, see someone who looks like my attacker (who we'll call Adam), or even have a tough bowel movement. It drains my energy to the point of struggling to cook, or get changed, or get my work done during the day, or even wake up (sleeping 10+ hours is still the norm for me).
Even so, PTSD was not the only thing that landed me in the hospital.
After I was attacked, I immediately sought therapy. My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist, who quickly dosed me up with Zoloft, Xanax, Minipress, Doxepin, and Buspirone (which help with PTSD and depression, panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, and generalized anxiety, respectively). I am still taking all of these medications.
Even with doping up on all these drugs, PTSD is still a constant struggle. I get flashbacks when I shower, see someone who looks like my attacker (who we'll call Adam), or even have a tough bowel movement. It drains my energy to the point of struggling to cook, or get changed, or get my work done during the day, or even wake up (sleeping 10+ hours is still the norm for me).
Even so, PTSD was not the only thing that landed me in the hospital.
Family
For any of you who have ever been to therapy, you know that starting questions begin with family members.
Unfortunately, I've always had a tumultuous relationship with my parents. There's a long history to it, so I'll sum it up with this:
I was grounded a lot as a kid (once a month in high school was the norm for all of junior year). Sometimes I deserved it (missing curfew), sometimes I didn't (asking "why?"). My Mom and Dad are both highly successful people and tend to be severe in how they relate to me.
After I was attacked, I started standing up to them more (about damned time. I'm 26-years-old). Their response was to give me one day to remove all my childhood things from their home.
At the hospital, my social worker recommended that I don't have a relationship with them at the moment. I cut off contact about a week ago.
Unfortunately, I've always had a tumultuous relationship with my parents. There's a long history to it, so I'll sum it up with this:
I was grounded a lot as a kid (once a month in high school was the norm for all of junior year). Sometimes I deserved it (missing curfew), sometimes I didn't (asking "why?"). My Mom and Dad are both highly successful people and tend to be severe in how they relate to me.
After I was attacked, I started standing up to them more (about damned time. I'm 26-years-old). Their response was to give me one day to remove all my childhood things from their home.
At the hospital, my social worker recommended that I don't have a relationship with them at the moment. I cut off contact about a week ago.
Work
I had a cushy job as a writer. Thankfully, I still have that job. That wasn't always clear.
The company I worked for was acquired by a much-larger firm in September. This meant the potential of layoffs and big, big changes. Change, for someone with PTSD, is particularly difficult because we're always trying to normalize things. The acquisition meant that I couldn't work on my side-project (coding some software) and that the benefits I had come to love would no longer be available.
Here, I know I'm whining a bit. I'm lucky enough to have a white-collar job and be a writer. I'm freaking blessed to have health insurance--while treatment has burned an enormous hole in my finances, at least some of my treatment, like hospitalization or half of my weekly psychologist's bill, are covered.
I can't imagine going through this without insurance. I really feel for those who can't get the help they need simply because they can't afford it.
The company I worked for was acquired by a much-larger firm in September. This meant the potential of layoffs and big, big changes. Change, for someone with PTSD, is particularly difficult because we're always trying to normalize things. The acquisition meant that I couldn't work on my side-project (coding some software) and that the benefits I had come to love would no longer be available.
Here, I know I'm whining a bit. I'm lucky enough to have a white-collar job and be a writer. I'm freaking blessed to have health insurance--while treatment has burned an enormous hole in my finances, at least some of my treatment, like hospitalization or half of my weekly psychologist's bill, are covered.
I can't imagine going through this without insurance. I really feel for those who can't get the help they need simply because they can't afford it.
Four moves
The last stressor, which was simply unfortunately timed, involved moving. A lot.
At the beginning of the summer, my landlord decided to sell the town home that I was living in. I had six weeks about six weeks to find a new place to live.
I turned to Craigslist. Big mistake.
Move 1
I moved to a massive apartment in a nice part of the city. My roommates had a grandfathered lease, which meant that our rent was affordable (I'm talking a $1,000-a-month discount). The idea is that I would move in first, another tenant would move out, and then my brother, Caleb, would move in with me and help to care for me.
Long story short, of the three roommates who were there, one didn't move out (he had a total mental breakdown and simply refused to leave), one was an alcoholic with PTSD issues himself (Afghanistan vet), and the third was... relatively normal, though I'm convinced she had Stockholm Syndrome.
After living with their craziness for two months, I threw my hands up in the air: Caleb and I decided to just get our own apartment.
Move 2
Unfortunately, to qualify, our move-out date didn't align with our new move in date. Caleb moved home with our parents, and I went to my boyfriend's (Gabe) apartment.
At this time, my parents thought it'd be a good idea to throw all my stuff out of their house.
Move 3
I moved in with Caleb. Technically, anyway. A lot of my stuff stayed with Gabe. After weeks of only-occasionally staying at my place, Caleb suggested that I move in with Gabe since I was at his place all the time anyway.
Move 4
Where I am now. I now live with my boyfriend and our two adorable cats.
At the beginning of the summer, my landlord decided to sell the town home that I was living in. I had six weeks about six weeks to find a new place to live.
I turned to Craigslist. Big mistake.
Move 1
I moved to a massive apartment in a nice part of the city. My roommates had a grandfathered lease, which meant that our rent was affordable (I'm talking a $1,000-a-month discount). The idea is that I would move in first, another tenant would move out, and then my brother, Caleb, would move in with me and help to care for me.
Long story short, of the three roommates who were there, one didn't move out (he had a total mental breakdown and simply refused to leave), one was an alcoholic with PTSD issues himself (Afghanistan vet), and the third was... relatively normal, though I'm convinced she had Stockholm Syndrome.
After living with their craziness for two months, I threw my hands up in the air: Caleb and I decided to just get our own apartment.
Move 2
Unfortunately, to qualify, our move-out date didn't align with our new move in date. Caleb moved home with our parents, and I went to my boyfriend's (Gabe) apartment.
At this time, my parents thought it'd be a good idea to throw all my stuff out of their house.
Move 3
I moved in with Caleb. Technically, anyway. A lot of my stuff stayed with Gabe. After weeks of only-occasionally staying at my place, Caleb suggested that I move in with Gabe since I was at his place all the time anyway.
Move 4
Where I am now. I now live with my boyfriend and our two adorable cats.
Stress levels
Let's recap:
Over the course of six months, I had been raped, had major family issues, had a major job change, and moved four times. Through all of this, I became financially strained; moving isn't cheap by any stretch of the imagination, and I cut down work to part time because I couldn't get myself into the office most days.
And finally, I went from a "normal weight" for my height (5'1", 130lbs) to "obese" (now 163lbs) in the course of three months. There are lots of contributing factors, including medication (weight gain is a side effect for all my medicines), lethargy and depression (not working out and having trouble cooking), stress eating, and, likely the biggest culprit, self-medicating with marijuana and binging while stoned.
I have my work cut out for me.
Over the course of six months, I had been raped, had major family issues, had a major job change, and moved four times. Through all of this, I became financially strained; moving isn't cheap by any stretch of the imagination, and I cut down work to part time because I couldn't get myself into the office most days.
And finally, I went from a "normal weight" for my height (5'1", 130lbs) to "obese" (now 163lbs) in the course of three months. There are lots of contributing factors, including medication (weight gain is a side effect for all my medicines), lethargy and depression (not working out and having trouble cooking), stress eating, and, likely the biggest culprit, self-medicating with marijuana and binging while stoned.
I have my work cut out for me.
The plan
I believe in goals.
My goal, right now, is to put Adam in jail.
Unfortunately, I'm at the hands of an all-too-cruel state that's taking its damned time to process DNA.
So I have to start elsewhere.
I'm going to take a page out of what I learned at the hospital. I need goals: daily goals, weekly goals, monthly goals, and six-month goals.
And I need to justify each of them to myself and hold myself accountable.
So for the six-month goals (due date: May 12):
Health: Weigh 130 lbs
Financial: Pay off my credit card debt (it's nearing $10,000 now, but that number will substantially decrease after my bonus)
Family: Start meeting with a family therapist
Educational: Complete two Coursera classes
Artistic: Take time once a week to express myself creatively
Attitude: Practice mindfulness at least once a week
Justifications:
Health: I want to fit into my old clothes and lower my risk for weight-related diseases. Adam may have affected my mental and sexual health, but I'll be damned if he continues to affect my body.
Financial: I want to focus on saving money for a house, not on paying off debt. I also want the finances to be able to file a civil suit against Adam.
Family: I love and miss my parents and I want to have a healthy relationship with them. I don't want Adam to come between Mom, Dad, and me.
Educational: I want to be boss at my job.
Artistic: I want to regularly explore my mind and calm myself with art.
Attitude: Adam may have messed with the wrong bitch, but I don't want to be miserable forever.
Planning starts tomorrow.
xx
Amy
My goal, right now, is to put Adam in jail.
Unfortunately, I'm at the hands of an all-too-cruel state that's taking its damned time to process DNA.
So I have to start elsewhere.
I'm going to take a page out of what I learned at the hospital. I need goals: daily goals, weekly goals, monthly goals, and six-month goals.
And I need to justify each of them to myself and hold myself accountable.
So for the six-month goals (due date: May 12):
Health: Weigh 130 lbs
Financial: Pay off my credit card debt (it's nearing $10,000 now, but that number will substantially decrease after my bonus)
Family: Start meeting with a family therapist
Educational: Complete two Coursera classes
Artistic: Take time once a week to express myself creatively
Attitude: Practice mindfulness at least once a week
Justifications:
Health: I want to fit into my old clothes and lower my risk for weight-related diseases. Adam may have affected my mental and sexual health, but I'll be damned if he continues to affect my body.
Financial: I want to focus on saving money for a house, not on paying off debt. I also want the finances to be able to file a civil suit against Adam.
Family: I love and miss my parents and I want to have a healthy relationship with them. I don't want Adam to come between Mom, Dad, and me.
Educational: I want to be boss at my job.
Artistic: I want to regularly explore my mind and calm myself with art.
Attitude: Adam may have messed with the wrong bitch, but I don't want to be miserable forever.
Planning starts tomorrow.
xx
Amy
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