It's day one of a very long road.
For starters, I decided to forgo MyFitnessPal because... well, because I decided that I wanted something new. I've done MyFitnessPal and I'm bored with it.
So on to Noom.
Measuring myself was really hard this morning. I weigh 163.4 lbs and my waist is at 37 inches. By all measures I am obese--I have a BMI of 30.9 (obese is 30+) and my waist-to-height ratio is 60.66, making me "highly obese."
By any standard I am supremely overweight.
The strange thing is that I don't feel like I am obese. I mean I definitely feel like I weigh more that I should. When I bend over side-to-side my stomach folds uncomfortably. My face has lost its cheekbone definition and my neck has a crease that wasn't there before. I struggle more with walking--let alone running--around and I just don't feel good.
I really just want my clothes to fit again.
For starters, I decided to forgo MyFitnessPal because... well, because I decided that I wanted something new. I've done MyFitnessPal and I'm bored with it.
So on to Noom.
Measuring myself was really hard this morning. I weigh 163.4 lbs and my waist is at 37 inches. By all measures I am obese--I have a BMI of 30.9 (obese is 30+) and my waist-to-height ratio is 60.66, making me "highly obese."
By any standard I am supremely overweight.
The strange thing is that I don't feel like I am obese. I mean I definitely feel like I weigh more that I should. When I bend over side-to-side my stomach folds uncomfortably. My face has lost its cheekbone definition and my neck has a crease that wasn't there before. I struggle more with walking--let alone running--around and I just don't feel good.
I really just want my clothes to fit again.
This is about what my body looks like, right now. I was definitely born in the wrong decade. In Greek times my body would be fucking godlike.
At any rate, today I met my goal of logging everything I ate. I also had my first Metagenics Ultra Glucose Control shake, which my psychiatrist recommended I go on for breakfasts. It's... not bad. I mean I wouldn't opt to drink it if my doctor hadn't recommended it to me, but it did curb my appetite and didn't give me a sugar rush.
I had some good--really good--financial news today too. My company gave me a 10% raise this year (and that's with me being out of the office a quarter of the year on disability!). So while the government is taking 38.4% of my much-needed bonus in taxes, I'll be making a lot more over the course of the next year.
That makes me happy. Very, very happy.
I had some good--really good--financial news today too. My company gave me a 10% raise this year (and that's with me being out of the office a quarter of the year on disability!). So while the government is taking 38.4% of my much-needed bonus in taxes, I'll be making a lot more over the course of the next year.
That makes me happy. Very, very happy.
EAnd it very quickly reminds me of how lucky I am to have the job that I do. I can't imagine making the mental hospital copay or being able to have the savings to be secure working off half a paycheck just two years ago when I was making just $30K in my big, big city.
($30,000 might sound like a lot, but $2,500 a month turns into $2,125 after taxes, which turns into $1,375 after rent even when you're splitting it with three other roommates, $825 after student loans, and then just groceries, cell phone bills, utilities, and just seeing a movie all adds up, especially when prices are jacked in this area. Using this salary calculator as a comparison, $30,000 here is like $18,000 or $19,000 elsewhere in the country).
Anyway, enough ranting about money.
I had a scary dream last night that my CEO, Matt, walked in on me while I was changing in a corner office. I tried to pull on a shirt but all the shirts wouldn't fit over my breasts. Matt shrugged and said to do the meeting with a bunch of other guys and girls naked. I obliged, doing it for my job, but I was crying and trying to cover up my fat and my nipples. Office workers stared at me, uncomfortable, but mostly uncomfortable because I was so uncomfortable--they really didn't care about my tits.
($30,000 might sound like a lot, but $2,500 a month turns into $2,125 after taxes, which turns into $1,375 after rent even when you're splitting it with three other roommates, $825 after student loans, and then just groceries, cell phone bills, utilities, and just seeing a movie all adds up, especially when prices are jacked in this area. Using this salary calculator as a comparison, $30,000 here is like $18,000 or $19,000 elsewhere in the country).
Anyway, enough ranting about money.
I had a scary dream last night that my CEO, Matt, walked in on me while I was changing in a corner office. I tried to pull on a shirt but all the shirts wouldn't fit over my breasts. Matt shrugged and said to do the meeting with a bunch of other guys and girls naked. I obliged, doing it for my job, but I was crying and trying to cover up my fat and my nipples. Office workers stared at me, uncomfortable, but mostly uncomfortable because I was so uncomfortable--they really didn't care about my tits.
Eventually, Matt had me cover up and left so that I could organize the room so that I could "feel more comfortable." I found a shirt that fit and then started arranging my office bed (???) and desk. I woke up still feeling humiliated.
Shame is one of the worst emotions out there. I woke up feeling ashamed of myself.
I know that part of it is a stress dream. I had emailed the detective in my case last night wondering if he could contact another girl that my attacker had claimed to rape. Unfortunately, the event happened outside of the county in which I was attacked, so the detective can't pursue that potential lead.
The legal system is fucked in this country.
Absolutely fucked. There's no reason why I should be going on eight months waiting for my damned DNA to be processed or why my detective can't talk to other potential witnesses.
*Deep breath*
I know that talking about the case is triggering. I feel my face grow hot. My Fitbit says my heart rate is at 85 beats per minute even though I'm just sitting and typing.
I'm so angry and have nowhere to direct my rage.
This is the point where I typically take a Xanax. One moment please.
The legal system is fucked in this country.
Absolutely fucked. There's no reason why I should be going on eight months waiting for my damned DNA to be processed or why my detective can't talk to other potential witnesses.
*Deep breath*
I know that talking about the case is triggering. I feel my face grow hot. My Fitbit says my heart rate is at 85 beats per minute even though I'm just sitting and typing.
I'm so angry and have nowhere to direct my rage.
This is the point where I typically take a Xanax. One moment please.
My goals today were to: record measurements, write down food, reach out to Caleb, and mail Mom her gift.
I did all but mail Mom her gift. I'll have to do that tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and have a Metagenics shake. I'm going to record my food, shower, and get dressed all the way (no sweatpants). Then, I'm going to figure out my finances, including paying Gabe for rent in addition to paying off some of my credit card bill. After that, I'm going to call Golden to see if they can show my disability company that yes, I was hospitalized for almost a month (please for the love of God give me my benefits). Next, I'm going to go to Marshall's and see if they have more pants and shirts that fit, go to CVS and grab a thank you card for the bonus and a happy birthday card for my Mom, and then ship Mom's gift from FedEx.
From there, I'm going to make lunch at home (and record it). After that, I'll go to my psychologist appointment at 1PM. I will bring my psychologist some Mandalas--she likes my artwork.
The last goal for tomorrow is to start a new Mandala. Maybe I'll start working on the one I promised Gabe's mother for the holidays.
xx
Amy
I did all but mail Mom her gift. I'll have to do that tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and have a Metagenics shake. I'm going to record my food, shower, and get dressed all the way (no sweatpants). Then, I'm going to figure out my finances, including paying Gabe for rent in addition to paying off some of my credit card bill. After that, I'm going to call Golden to see if they can show my disability company that yes, I was hospitalized for almost a month (please for the love of God give me my benefits). Next, I'm going to go to Marshall's and see if they have more pants and shirts that fit, go to CVS and grab a thank you card for the bonus and a happy birthday card for my Mom, and then ship Mom's gift from FedEx.
From there, I'm going to make lunch at home (and record it). After that, I'll go to my psychologist appointment at 1PM. I will bring my psychologist some Mandalas--she likes my artwork.
The last goal for tomorrow is to start a new Mandala. Maybe I'll start working on the one I promised Gabe's mother for the holidays.
xx
Amy
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